The Real Folk Blues

Forged iron?! Never could I happen to stumble upon such a metaphor that could describe our little hero so badly, for he has never been considered as something as hard as iron (up the irons, by the way!), and let alone iron being forged. What the hell am I talking about? Well, I think I was stumbling upon my little winamp list. And came across some of the Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions OSTs. A-yup. I've seen all three. You probably have your own opinion, so you don't need mine, of that I'm sure. Let us just say that I liked the trilogy.

So, does this mean that now I'm really back? Who knows... only time can tell. I'm here for just a small period of time tonight, so for now, only five minutes will have to suffice, perhaps tomorrow I can return. Yes, I would very much like that.

I've gotta get me a fotolog, Javo instructed me to. Except that their stupid page doesn't work. Here I am, in a constant flux of ideas pouring all over and no place to stamp them. I've lots of new anecdotes and silly stories to share. Wether they will reach the final cut, remains to be seen as well.

"Lonely Lowly Ronin is a Juno Reactor Fan ~Lose Control Fake Fate Get ouf of the Shell Zion Rave Long Mix Version 0614~"

Spike's back! Yeshhhh, after a long hiatus of four + months, I'm back, if only to remind myself of my daily rants and raves. There is not much to say, really. Perhaps as my time draws nigh, more and more of 'me' shall appear on these screens, imprinting my very own 'self' into the words you now read. Perhaps, perhaps not. I daresay there's a good chance of that happening, though I can never be too sure of anything, especially things that concern myself.

It is all good, though. And not. Depends on what you consider to be 'normal' or even 'good' for that matter, but it is all a matter of perspective. My headaches and migraines subsided for a while, but they're back. Not at a greater scale or blown at their full capacity, yet, they're persistently there. I just know it, I feel them at the side of my head. It is all good, though. They're controlled... at least for now.

I did the most stupid thing I could think of. I wrote a huge letter addressed to Damián and Jazmín, basically spilling my guts to them, being very close to me and all, and I actually sent it. I haven't heard from them in a while, so this puts things in perspective. Maybe they haven't even read it. Or maybe they did and they're avoiding me? Ah, who knows. It felt right at the moment. I should not be led astray by something like that.

The other day we went to Roberto's ranch. It was really good as we got to swim a lot... it was very nice and relaxing, quite soothing, to say the very least.

Vicious is starting to come home more often, which is great, I had missed him a lot.

I started up on this Japanese Guide and listed myself so i could send and receive mail from Japanese people. It's great! My sister was the one who started, though she found the page thanks to me. I stumbled upon it once, bookmarked it and forgot all about it. Yeah, my links are that messy. She found it and started using it, and then told me all about it. I, in turn, told Walter all about it. We are exchanging Japanese correspondece like there is no tomorrow. Well, maybe not that much, but we're actually sending and receiving messages. Which is very cool, for us. Unloved kids, and all. ^_~

A lot has changed in the past few months. I probably won't say much about it, nor care much for it either... besides, one should not dwell on his past but move on. What is there to do besides that? To move, change, evolve and be free!

I had the best dream yesterday. Or the best dream I've had in a long time... which is a strange turn in itself, just the other day Damián and I were discussing how much our subconcious hate us. Well, mine does, anyway. As it happens, this particular dream involved me in a party, or what seemed to be like a really elegant party, because my brother and my sister were in it, too. Just goes to show you how big an impression they have on me. They were somewhere else, and I walked through a few rooms, the place being oddly familiar. A lot of people that made no difference on me, I walked on. At times I could actually see myself as a third person, though most of the dream shifted through my own eyes, a first person view, if you will. I don't particularly remember what I was wearing, but upon much pondering, I believe it was some sort of a black/navy blue suit. Might as well have been a tuxedo, for all I remember.

There was a huge balcony, and it had somewhat of a step up, the balcony did. So, I used the one step to get a better view of the place (not having lost my sense of dimensions, being short even on my dreams), and lo and behold, an enormous city thundered for as far as my eyes could go. It was nighttime, but in the darkness of it all, many lights could still be seen, cars, skyscrapers. Why, one would think of this as a metropolis, New York or Tokyo, for example. Perhaps it was a mixture of it all. I look back on my dream and it seemed so vivid, so full of detail and life... I could almost take a deep breath as my counterpart did, I can almost feel the cool wind blowing on my face, the sweet scent of the night, and not just any night, but one where rain will govern and divide.

I was alone for what it seemed like an instant, and yet I don't know how long it was. I had company, for I had sensed someone behind me. Five different voices, and one I had not heard for ages. Two of them were my brother and sister. Another one belonged to a friend and her fianceé and another one belongs to a gentleman I know, who drew them all back, all except for her. I was startled, and reassured in her voice, all at the same time.

She came up to me and hugged me while behind me. It all happened the exact same way it does in all of those classic black and white motions, golden cinema, that was. Tender and caring as I once remembered her to be. In my ears I heard violins and cellos playing, whilst she spoke to me. A voice so soothing and sweet like hers, could never be forgotten. She spoke and held me from behind, nurtured deep thoughts to me, through words and a firm grasp. I turned to see her and returned a smile, while convincing her that my feelings towards her were nothing else but the same.

And so we lied there, staring into the lights as the formation of clouds talked amongst each other, we just held each other, marveling at the night as we kissed. Rain fell.

-Spike Spiegel, who looks for Julia, even in his dreams.
Dante Sparda posted this at 5:13 PM.

"The 3 annoying songs that are constantly being played when we transfer a call"

Wow, just when I am inclined to say that things are indeed improving, something comes over and knocks me off my feet. And it is usually this very same medium that I use to bitch about this or other. Health-wise, I'm doing ok, I believe. I woke up today with a nasty headache, and I thought it was the beginning of a horrible day in what seems the start of a horrible week. I'm glad to say I was wrong, I went to the kitchen, drank the remainings of my apple juice (which reminds me, I have to get more) with a couple of excedrin and that did the trick. I went back to bed, only to wake up with a clear head.

That leads me to believe that taking/drinking your medicine does pay off, even if it does take a while.

So, I woke up and did some cleaning, that was... strangely relaxing. Perhaps because it didn't involve any particular worries what-so-ever. It was hot, though... that has got me thinking of buying one of those cheap fans at famsa. I shall need an evaporative cooler, or I won't make it through the summer. That's one thing to worry about. But not now, not just yet.

Seriously, though. I have to stop worrying about everything. The animals that are endangered species probably won't be saved by me, the rainforest won't have a happy ending, starving kids will remain starved... and my job won't go away. Now, I wish you'd think that I was such a philantropist and my entire night goes on watch due to these things, but it just doesn't. I'm not a bad person, just a selfish one. Well, come to think of it, that does make me a bad person.

I *can* make a difference, or so they say, with a minimum payment a month I can do lots of things, if I'm not the active/activist type. Heh, I have no money to contruibute to any just causes, I'm sorry to say.

No, my mental instability comes from daily things at the office. I'd love to state for the record that I hate my job, but I don't... I just don't care for it much. Well, I do. It pays my bills. I just don't like it much, hence why it's called 'a job' instead of 'my passion'.

Weather's great. Really, I can't complain... the sun is nowhere to be seen, and the wind blows at a steady pace, and it's not that ugly dry heat, and not that kind of humid heat, either. It is a bit humid out there, but not so much that I'll complain about it. Got to keep reminding myself not to worry about the things I can not control. Hehehe, I definetely sound like some 40'ish office worker. I'm a slave, a labourer with a tie and I take no pride in that.

Honestly! Even Mulder mentioned the other day that such a person exists, and he's seen one for the first time: Me. For all he knew, those were only american folk-tales, made-up by americans for themselves, just especially cooked for movies-of-the-week or sit-coms. No, apparently even gaijins like me can get the blues and can get well over their heads. I'm only 22 and this isn't a pretty sight, if you look at it my way.

Well, I'm at work. Transferring calls like there is no tomorrow. Not much sales today, which isn't good, but like I said before, I shan't worry about it anymore. Good if I make them, good if I don't. I will try my best, though. But most of the times, it's a business where luck reigns, and I won't drive myself to insanity just because of my job. I'll leave that to the people on TV.

You know? I should really get started on that one mega super-deee-duper post sometime soon. I don't think that's happening tonight, though. Part 2? Why, you ask? Well, it just so happens that I had a huge migraine, with a kicker finishing touch, a crisis, at four am yesterday (thursday morning). I've never had one of those before and it was quite scary. Now I realize how little Imouto feels, and how small and weak I am.

I shouldn't even be here, but I've slept a lot today... yesterday... whatever. I don't really know. I don't really care. I woke up, I had my shower and all, but had no strength to do much else. It was bad. Mulder was at home when that was happening... it was... bad. So nasty and awful that I could only roll on my bed, wandering what was wrong, struggling to keep myself sane. It was way beyond bad. I wanted to call my mother, but didn't wanna worry her. I even woke up Alfred in my despair. He helped, though he probably didn't realize.

Editor's Note: Looking back on it, he made fun of me the next time we spoke about it. Maybe it's his way of trying to make me feel better, but dammit, it keeps working otherwise and it is, to a point, humilliating. Perhaps making me look bad in front of others is his way of saying he thinks I'm cool? Ha, I doubt it.

Awful enough that I wanted to leave? It was bad alright. Geez, I thought I was dying. You probably can't die of a migraine/headache/crisis like that, but I'm ignorant, and at five in the morning, everything seems... bleak.

Wondering if it was my end, if there was nothing else for me, made me realize how bad I am now. Changes, decisions, stuff like that. I wonder if I will be able to lift myself from this? For my sake, I hope I do. I've been thinking of solutions, hopefully I can come up with other things to stabilize myself. I've gotta.

It also made me see that I've a lot to do and a lot to give. Call me wahtevver, but I really thought I was dying. Or I wanted to, anyway. And I can't go like that... I'm a ronin! I was a samurai, gosh, samurais, ronins... they can't die out of a headache! They die in the battlefield, with their katanas in hand, with pride and honour!!

"All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see. Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me. I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems."

Alfred's so gonna have my butt for typing that. I am officially obsessed with that song.

Well, I am at my parents', and my mom is taking care of me. She always does, and she's always right. Mothers usually are. I love you, mom. You need not worry, I shall be fine. I always am, this is just a setback. I'll be fine tomorrow, I promise.

Once again, I am in a chatty-go-lucky mood... and yet, like always, I have to end it and can not stay and tell you the reason why I exist. Well, I can sum it up in a few words: I exist, to make someone happy, to make that one person happy.

"Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling... only you are the life among the dead."

There. Nice and easy, right? We all exist for that purpose. To plant a tree, to write a book and to have a child. I've got the "plant a tree" one covered. I've planted like four trees in my life time! I need to write my book. Lots of them, and I need to plant more trees, to have the old ones for paper... er, strange, isn't it?

To have a child? Hehehe, i need to be married first, I need to have a girlfriend first, and for that, i need someone that loves me back.

Now, love isn't about being selfish. Love isn't an endless chain of lies and deceit, like they want you to believe. Love is... everything. What am I saying? I'm just babbling. I need someone, but does that someone need me? Ah, eventually someone will need me. I know so.

I'm not a bad person. I'm just a tad crazy, but are we not all? Yeah!! We're all nuts, in our own little way. And I like it like that. I'm a geek, well, so what? I can't change who I am, and I should stop wanting to. I can improve some parts, sure, but I will not change who I am for someone else. No point in doing so. I shall be me, just like someone advised me. And hey, if you're reading this, thanks.

"Got to open my eyes to everything. Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul. Don't let me die here... there must be something more."

I can still feel the headache in my head... I can't sleep, at all... I've slept a lot today, more than I sleep usually... I am resting... my mind needs a break too, I worry too much. I shan't worry that much in days to come, it is not worth it. I shall change some aspects of my everyday life. For my own sake... I need to go back and re-adjust, think things over and re-do and re-think and... reborn.

"Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up and bid my blood to run, before I come undone... just bring me to life."

Is anyone out there? I know you are... are you listening? Can you hear me out there? Can you see me in the dark? I am here. I've been waiting... I'm a little tired... I've stumbled along the way, again... I'm sorry... I'll get up and try again. I always do, I always try... Can you hear me? You're there, right?

To all my friends, allies and brothers-in-arms: I thank you, for being there for me.

It's all about randomness tonight... I'm sick, please bear with me...
Dante Sparda posted this at 1:09 AM.

Now I'm into Nü Metal. What's the world coming to? I mean, the world's greatest golfer is black, the world's most popular rapper is white, France argues with the US because of their arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war. How's that for nuts?

Oh, no... I'm not here to spill my guts. Yet. But that doesn't mean that I want to lose my two solid readers... you know who you are. Besides, this is one of my pet projects, I'm not about to give up and quit just because I can't say or talk about certain stuff... right?

Mainly because this is one of the few escapes I have in my mundane little life, other than my real friends, whom I speak to and see very little less and less as time goes by. This is not to say that the people I see often, you know who you are, are any less. What I mean to say, is that I see everyone even less now that I've moved. Which is not something I wanted but I guess couldn't be avoided.

Well, today was the first day of April. Since I'm not an American in the sense I am not from the US of A, since being American means being from the American Continent... well, you get the point, I don't celebrate April's Fools. We do have something along the likes, but it's not 'til December. What's so special then? Well, I've been living on my own for two whole months... geez, it feels like forever. But it's all good, ups and downs, it's all good.

I kinda have to wrap this up soon... which sucks, I'm in a writing mood. It's ok, I guess. Mulder's quitting his job and getting a new one, we're looking at ads on our local paper. And there aren't many, sadly. The whole crew's here: Yamil, Mulder, Alfred and Me. Jolly Crew. We aren't together, the four of us, very often.

"Wheeew. 'tis are strange and dark days." said he, as he exhaled slowly. It was hard to describe him, let alone in this dim lighting, which was a faint moonbeam, gleaming over a part of the window that wasn't patched with the cheap blanket.

The sounds were strange and difusse, mixing silently with the surrounding every day, or is it, every night's background noises? At any rate, it was not your usual dog-barking-&-cat-meowing or fighting-and-yelling-neighboors-while-babies-are-cryin' audio track. More like a Jazz Session. Yes, baby, dig it. You dig it? Are you diggin' it? Well, come dig my potato.

Yes, another night, another reflection of the heart, an impression of the soul, an unfinished painting wanting be to be finished, that forgotten composition, left in an analog tape, waiting to be remixed and remasterized for a whole new generation of listeners. But, are they ready? Can they handle it? Damn. If they haven't died while listening to Mexican Regional Music (i.e. Cumbias, Colombia, etc) then they shall do just fine.

And then, he wonders. For clearly, he is not the next big thing, but just a regular boy, if a bit misunderstood.

Brainstorming. Flood of ideas. Confusion in a chain of endless thoughts that lead one way into another, converging into a crossroad of decisions that are not easily taken. Feelings taken into consideration, denial of truth, misunderstandings and knots that can not be easily undone and matters that are too grave to be left unsaid, while too deep to be delved into. Or are they?

And then again, it is a simple life, is it not? We awake, we stand, we eat, we speak, we do, we work, run, stumble, pray, sleep, think, ponder, communicate, lead, leave, research, direct, learn, create, quit, act, lie, lay, decide, keep, love, leave...

Is that enough? Are our actions loud enough? Is this part of an ulterior motive? A bigger picture or play? But who's leading, who's directing? Who's behind of it all...? We may never know. That is one of the things that we'll die trying to figure out, and he's ok with that.

I forgot. I'll write some more later, I think. No, this isn't a post. Rather an entry of reminders of sort. Yes, I'm sorry. Soon, I will write again, 'till then...

it's good to be alive... i think. i know, just when you wanted answers, i left.how very-fucking-typical. it will be alright, i think. i hope. i wish, i dream.

So, I am happy to say that I was wrong, and I was to delete yesterday's post, for obvious reasons. In a way, I am glad I didn't. Why? Maybe because I pulled up the lyrics to the title of this page, and even though it is not my gratest entry (though some say it's arguable), it's still a part of what I am. A screw-up? Maybe so, but it doesn't change the fact that it is still me.

I didn't want to spend, or rather waste my Flagship Page Title, but alas... I felt really bad, and what is worse is that I felt like that based on my own account and conclusions. Today's conclusion? There are quite:

Today after work, I purchased a new cd. Mägo de Oz - Finisterra. I am really hooked on these guys from Spain. Mainly because Mulder showed them to me (although my little sister, Imo~chan, showed me these guys a long time ago) and they serve as moral support when we work out. Speaking of which, I think it's coming along better... I have seen little improvement, you'd laugh if I told you, but I've seen it. Maybe it was all of the cluttered sadness and rage working there. Whatever it was, I need to exploit that to my advantage. Oh, I was so obsessed yesterday, before going to sleep over their album: "La Leyenda De La Mancha" which is based on Miguel Cervantes Saavedra's "El Ingenioso Hidalgo Don Quijote de la Mancha". An excellent album and highly recommended especially because of track # 5 "Molinos de Viento" Or "Windmills".

The reason I bought Finisterra and not La Leyenda, is the fact that I just discovered La Leyenda, whereas we listen to the first three track from Finisterra's second disc, Fiesta Pagana and El que quiera entender que entienda. Speaking of which, while on the way home from work today I worked out great alternate lyrics to the latter... switching a few words here and there fit my situation to a "T". So, I have nothing to do and the bus rides are long... yes, I realize how pathetic all of this might sound and how poor I must seem to you. Well, whatever.

I love the violins working alongside the guitar... doesn't sound like country, which I dislike, but like elvish tracks... not quite. Scottish, Irish maybe? Ah, who knows... certainly not me. And for tonight I think I should wrap this up... if I keep it up I'll be quite sleepy tomorrow... I shall type up the lyrics tomorrow. For now I have to go to bed. I'm not sleepy, so I will take on Roland's journey again, all while I listen to my newly purchased album.

For now, I just ... well, sometimes when I wake up, I feel that dreams are reality.

Romanji

English Translation

Aishiteta to nakeku niwa
Amarinimo toki wa sugite shimatta
Mada kokoro no hokorobi wo
Iyasenu mama kaze ga fuiteru

Hitotsu no mede asu wo mite
Hitotsu no mede kinou mitsumeteru
Kimi no ai no yurikagode
Mo ichido yasurakani nemuretara

Kawaita hitomi de dareka naite kure

The real folk blues
Honto no kanashimi ga shiritai dake
Doro no kawa ni tsukatta
Jinsei mo waruku wa nai
Ichido kiri de owaru nara

Kibouni michita zetsubou to
Wana ga shikakerareteru kono CHANSU
Nani ga yokute warui no ka
KOIN no omote to kura mitaita

Doredake ikireba iyasareru no darou

The real folk blues
Honto no yorokobiga shiritai dake
Hikaru mono no subete ga ougon towakagiranai

The real folk blues
Honto no kanashimi ga shiritai dake
Doro no kawa ni tsukatta
Jinsei mo waruku wa nai
Ichido kiri de owaru nara

Too much time has passed by to
lament that we were deeply in love
The wind keeps blowing, while my heart
cannot heal all the tears in it

Watching tomorrow with one eye
while keeping the other on yesterday
If only I could peacefully sleep
in the cradle of your love, again

Someone, cry for me with parched eyes

The real folk blues
I only want to know what true sadness is
Sitting in muddy water
isn't such a bad life
if it ends after the first time

Despair filled with hope
and this chance with a trap set
What's right or wrong?
It's like two sides of a coin

How long must I live till I'm healed

The real folk blues
I only want to know true happiness is
All that glitters is not gold

The real folk blues
I only want to know what true sadness is
Sitting in muddy water
isn't such a bad life
if it ends after the first time

And, so I wait. Again and again for what seems like an eternity, a second in time, a lifetime in reality. Waiting, for her shadow to appear. For her smile to dawn on me and her voice to caress my ears. With just a few words my soul would find the strenght it lacks, the spirit it needs to stand up and do it all; everything all over again, if only she would say the words.

Was I not doing well yesterday? Ah, maybe so, but not today. In the spirit of a true Gemini, my mood swings are rather wild. I kid you not, if this was something I could control, I'd try. Close people will find this normal in me, but am I so beyond it? Well, no. I think I am rather 'normal' at least as far as we can stretch that word. For what is worth, I am not on medication or the likes. Though some people seem to think I need some, badly.

That's one of the things I hate the most: One little punch and it all comes crashing down, tumbling down, tumbling down. No, I think I am not yet fit to talk about it all, but as many of you have guessed, yes. It is all over a girl. Oh, don't look at me like that. Isn't it always the same? Well, if it isn't, then what are you doing here? Stop reading and leave, yes you. No, I didn't mean that. At least I don't think so... just that I am not cheery enough to write 'bout the one piece of gut left in me that needs extirpating.

I didn't just say that, did I? Damn, I think I have. And you know what's worse? I don't know if I should be at all, for all I know, this is just a misunderstanding, one of those "Stranger things have happened" coincidences. Or maybe not... maybe Mr. Black is right, and I shouldn't assume things just yet. All I know is that I feel awful and maybe I shouldn't or whatever, but... it is just the way it is, and that's the way the story goes, on and on, forever stretching out before my very eyes, until the end of time. *catches his breath*

A little drama, anyone? Come join and serve yourself, I've plenty to share. Sure, it is not like I broke my arm, or worse, my leg... And yet, this does feel harder... 'like a ton of bricks', to quote someone really silly. Take your best bet, because my friend, nothing's a sure thing in this evil and sad life. At present time, I am sitting here... waiting... annoying my roommate/housemate with Cowboy Bebop Jazzy-Blues-ly type of tracks. Heat's on, it's way too hot and it is way to late to keep on lamenting.

And still, I wait. I always wait... I think I was born waiting. I wait for better things to come, and I've learned to be patient. In recent days, I've learned not to wait too much and to be one of those: 'just out with it!' kinda person. I don't know if that works... I'm still getting the hang of it, and can't say wether I suck or just need more practice. I tend to go for the latter, but damn, that's just my null-self-esteem doing the talking as usual. Just when I think I'm someone with real value and self-worth, something will always come kicking me in the head and throwing me down my private little hole I've dug throughout the entire flash that I like calling: "My Life".

I always wait, wait for someone to arrive, for someone to come, for someone to tell me 'good night', for someone to say: "I love you, too,". But guess what? No one ever does. I don't know if that will change, or if I will have to do the change, or if I have to change.