Friday, April 04, 2003

 

"Bring Me To Life" Part II

  You know? I should really get started on that one mega super-deee-duper post sometime soon. I don't think that's happening tonight, though. Part 2? Why, you ask? Well, it just so happens that I had a huge migraine, with a kicker finishing touch, a crisis, at four am yesterday (thursday morning). I've never had one of those before and it was quite scary. Now I realize how little Imouto feels, and how small and weak I am.

  I shouldn't even be here, but I've slept a lot today... yesterday... whatever. I don't really know. I don't really care. I woke up, I had my shower and all, but had no strength to do much else. It was bad. Mulder was at home when that was happening... it was... bad. So nasty and awful that I could only roll on my bed, wandering what was wrong, struggling to keep myself sane. It was way beyond bad. I wanted to call my mother, but didn't wanna worry her. I even woke up Alfred in my despair. He helped, though he probably didn't realize.

Editor's Note: Looking back on it, he made fun of me the next time we spoke about it. Maybe it's his way of trying to make me feel better, but dammit, it keeps working otherwise and it is, to a point, humilliating. Perhaps making me look bad in front of others is his way of saying he thinks I'm cool? Ha, I doubt it.

  Bad enough that I wanted to tear my head apart by knocking it against the wall.

  Awful enough that I wanted to leave? It was bad alright. Geez, I thought I was dying. You probably can't die of a migraine/headache/crisis like that, but I'm ignorant, and at five in the morning, everything seems... bleak.

  Wondering if it was my end, if there was nothing else for me, made me realize how bad I am now. Changes, decisions, stuff like that. I wonder if I will be able to lift myself from this? For my sake, I hope I do. I've been thinking of solutions, hopefully I can come up with other things to stabilize myself. I've gotta.

  It also made me see that I've a lot to do and a lot to give. Call me wahtevver, but I really thought I was dying. Or I wanted to, anyway. And I can't go like that... I'm a ronin! I was a samurai, gosh, samurais, ronins... they can't die out of a headache! They die in the battlefield, with their katanas in hand, with pride and honour!!

"All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see. Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me. I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems."

  Alfred's so gonna have my butt for typing that. I am officially obsessed with that song.

  Well, I am at my parents', and my mom is taking care of me. She always does, and she's always right. Mothers usually are. I love you, mom. You need not worry, I shall be fine. I always am, this is just a setback. I'll be fine tomorrow, I promise.

  Once again, I am in a chatty-go-lucky mood... and yet, like always, I have to end it and can not stay and tell you the reason why I exist. Well, I can sum it up in a few words: I exist, to make someone happy, to make that one person happy.

"Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling... only you are the life among the dead."

  There. Nice and easy, right? We all exist for that purpose. To plant a tree, to write a book and to have a child. I've got the "plant a tree" one covered. I've planted like four trees in my life time! I need to write my book. Lots of them, and I need to plant more trees, to have the old ones for paper... er, strange, isn't it?

  To have a child? Hehehe, i need to be married first, I need to have a girlfriend first, and for that, i need someone that loves me back.

  Now, love isn't about being selfish. Love isn't an endless chain of lies and deceit, like they want you to believe. Love is... everything. What am I saying? I'm just babbling. I need someone, but does that someone need me? Ah, eventually someone will need me. I know so.

  I'm not a bad person. I'm just a tad crazy, but are we not all? Yeah!! We're all nuts, in our own little way. And I like it like that. I'm a geek, well, so what? I can't change who I am, and I should stop wanting to. I can improve some parts, sure, but I will not change who I am for someone else. No point in doing so. I shall be me, just like someone advised me. And hey, if you're reading this, thanks.

"Got to open my eyes to everything. Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul. Don't let me die here... there must be something more."

  I can still feel the headache in my head... I can't sleep, at all... I've slept a lot today, more than I sleep usually... I am resting... my mind needs a break too, I worry too much. I shan't worry that much in days to come, it is not worth it. I shall change some aspects of my everyday life. For my own sake... I need to go back and re-adjust, think things over and re-do and re-think and... reborn.

"Save me from the nothing I've become,"

  There is really no other way...

"Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up and bid my blood to run, before I come undone... just bring me to life."

  Is anyone out there? I know you are... are you listening? Can you hear me out there? Can you see me in the dark? I am here. I've been waiting... I'm a little tired... I've stumbled along the way, again... I'm sorry... I'll get up and try again. I always do, I always try... Can you hear me? You're there, right?

Dreaming a long and sorrowful dream,
-Icarus

To all my friends, allies and brothers-in-arms: I thank you, for being there for me.

It's all about randomness tonight... I'm sick, please bear with me...
Dante Sparda posted this at 1:09 AM.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

 

"Bring Me To Life"

  Now I'm into Nü Metal. What's the world coming to? I mean, the world's greatest golfer is black, the world's most popular rapper is white, France argues with the US because of their arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war. How's that for nuts?

  Yes, I realize those are generalizations and misconceptions, I'm not stupid.

  Oh, no... I'm not here to spill my guts. Yet. But that doesn't mean that I want to lose my two solid readers... you know who you are. Besides, this is one of my pet projects, I'm not about to give up and quit just because I can't say or talk about certain stuff... right?

  Well, I shouldn't and I won't.

  Mainly because this is one of the few escapes I have in my mundane little life, other than my real friends, whom I speak to and see very little less and less as time goes by. This is not to say that the people I see often, you know who you are, are any less. What I mean to say, is that I see everyone even less now that I've moved. Which is not something I wanted but I guess couldn't be avoided.

  Well, today was the first day of April. Since I'm not an American in the sense I am not from the US of A, since being American means being from the American Continent... well, you get the point, I don't celebrate April's Fools. We do have something along the likes, but it's not 'til December. What's so special then? Well, I've been living on my own for two whole months... geez, it feels like forever. But it's all good, ups and downs, it's all good.

  I kinda have to wrap this up soon... which sucks, I'm in a writing mood. It's ok, I guess. Mulder's quitting his job and getting a new one, we're looking at ads on our local paper. And there aren't many, sadly. The whole crew's here: Yamil, Mulder, Alfred and Me. Jolly Crew. We aren't together, the four of us, very often.

  So, I leave you with my new obsession: Evanescence.

Save me from the nothing I've become,

Icarus Spiegel

Artist EVANESCENCE 
Album Fallen 
Song Bring Me to Life 

how can you see into my eyes, like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb
without a soul
my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

[Chorus]
(wake me up) wake me up inside (i can't wake up) wake me up inside
(save me) call my name and save me from the dark
(wake me up) bid my blood to run (i can't wake up) before I come undone
(save me) save me from the nothing I've become 

now that I know what I'm without, you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

[Chorus]

bring me to life
I've been living a lie
there's nothing inside
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more

bring me to life

[Chorus]

I've been living a lie
there's nothing inside
bring me to life 

Dante Sparda posted this at 12:17 AM.

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

 

"Strange World"

  "Wheeew. 'tis are strange and dark days." said he, as he exhaled slowly. It was hard to describe him, let alone in this dim lighting, which was a faint moonbeam, gleaming over a part of the window that wasn't patched with the cheap blanket.

  The sounds were strange and difusse, mixing silently with the surrounding every day, or is it, every night's background noises? At any rate, it was not your usual dog-barking-&-cat-meowing or fighting-and-yelling-neighboors-while-babies-are-cryin' audio track. More like a Jazz Session. Yes, baby, dig it. You dig it? Are you diggin' it? Well, come dig my potato.

  Yes, another night, another reflection of the heart, an impression of the soul, an unfinished painting wanting be to be finished, that forgotten composition, left in an analog tape, waiting to be remixed and remasterized for a whole new generation of listeners. But, are they ready? Can they handle it? Damn. If they haven't died while listening to Mexican Regional Music (i.e. Cumbias, Colombia, etc) then they shall do just fine.

  And then, he wonders. For clearly, he is not the next big thing, but just a regular boy, if a bit misunderstood.

  Brainstorming. Flood of ideas. Confusion in a chain of endless thoughts that lead one way into another, converging into a crossroad of decisions that are not easily taken. Feelings taken into consideration, denial of truth, misunderstandings and knots that can not be easily undone and matters that are too grave to be left unsaid, while too deep to be delved into. Or are they?

  And then again, it is a simple life, is it not? We awake, we stand, we eat, we speak, we do, we work, run, stumble, pray, sleep, think, ponder, communicate, lead, leave, research, direct, learn, create, quit, act, lie, lay, decide, keep, love, leave...

  Is that enough? Are our actions loud enough? Is this part of an ulterior motive? A bigger picture or play? But who's leading, who's directing? Who's behind of it all...? We may never know. That is one of the things that we'll die trying to figure out, and he's ok with that.

  For now.

-Spike

Editor's Note: "Digging my potato" is a Cowboy Bebop track. If you were offended, then clearly you need to expand your horizons, and what is more important, you do not Dig The Man. Spend more time with Spike, he's not a bad guy once you get to know him.

Dante Sparda posted this at 11:19 PM.