Friday, March 07, 2003

 

"Blue"

With a title that good, you'd think that the actual content of the post would be great, right? Wrong. We're talking about me, remember? No good things ever come from me, although I do have my moments every once in a while. If not, ask Sweet-Tooth Marcus.

Alrighty. I'm at home right now and already it is Friday, again. Friday I'm in love. A little Cure random nonsense, for all of you non-Cure fans. Though I kind of wish I actually was. Well... I am, but...

Ah, no point dwelling at this matter right now. There were pressing situations to be discussed, all not a single bit more important that what I seem to be feeling... and yet, I feel like I don't want to share that right now. Go figure.

Wow, everything seems to revolve around the subject matter of love when it comes to me, right? Or for some reason, while I am trying to sit down and write about my day at the office, or any other boring general aspect of my life. It's all good, I suppose.

Mind you, I haven't had the chance to do this in the last few days, don't ask. Hopefully, this weekend, seeing as I have no plans (and even less imaginable would be that I'd have a date) so I might as well use the old computer at home, Chibi Chompu-chan or Ch^3 if you prefer. And well, get down to it. There are subtle differences between here and home. Very subtle differences like the fact that I can't seem to get myself to call this place, "home". I still refer to my parents' house as 'home' every now and then. That's--normal I guess, but I find it a bit strange.

I'm not unhappy here... honestly, it may seem pretty much like it, but hey, I'm still adjusting to my new life. Change, though not always for the best and certainly not always for the worst, does take it's toll on you. Strains you. I'm sure as hell of that. And whoever says different... well, I guess they're entitled to their opinion. I'm just telling you as I see and feel.

I have been somewhat depressed, which is rather strange, seeing as it's not like I am alone here, I've got more than enough people to keep me company and even then, somehow I even manage to shun them away, when the need does arrive. Am I an ass for wanting and needing to be alone, just sometimes? I think not, but hey, you're entitled to your own opinion.

In all fairness, I do try to stay with company here, be that Alfred, Mulder or Yamil. Whoever is around at the time... there is just a small period of time when I am alone, at nights after work-out and after Alfred goes to work. It is not all that bad and once again, in all fairness, I'm usually online talking to someone. So it's not as if I'm living the Hermit Life. I guess I...

(Sigh)

I guess I am. It's not real, is it?

Whatever. Really, it's no big deal. I just get this ups and downs every now and then. Hardly what I'd call a 'real depression' in me, but it does exist. It is strange at some points... because they do seem to stretch for quite a while. I do laugh, I do smile. But am I happy? I doubt it. I highly doubt it. What is it that I want, or need? I don't know. Sure, I do know... but... I can't. I am coward enough to let myself go astray or silent for what seems like an eternity, because quite frankly, I don't have the guts to say it out loud.

There were so many things I wanted to say. But time's up. For now.

There has been a light these days. I don't know if said light is aware of the impact in my life, but for what it's worth, if you're reading this, you know who you are... I need to talk to you, to *really* talk to you, but I got through this week partly by your help and I'm sure you didn't know that. Thank You.

PS. The title of this message changed, shifter and mutated. First it was "All in all you're just a--nother brick in the wall." Due to the fact that I was to speak of other things and that I had just (at that moment) aquired the symphonic version of it. Some recording, British Rock Symphony. Has a quite a number of well-known music. Next, it was "Goodnight Julia"... in homage to a great CB song which is an understament, I enjoy CB so much. After that, it became "A Bluer Sky..." then it changed to "Blue". It pretty much simplified the way I am feeling at the moment and it is also the title track of the third Cowboy Bebop OST and to top that, it is the flagship ending song to the series.

Oh. Said track...

BLUE Words By: Tim Jensen, Vocal: Mai Yamane

Never seen a bluer sky/ Yeah I can feel it reaching out/ and moving closer/ There's something 'bout blue

Asked myself what it's all for/ You know the funny thing about it/ I couldn't answer/ No, I couldn't answer

Things have turned a deeper shade of blue/ and images that might be real/ may be illusion/ Keep flashing off and on Free.../ Wanna be free, Gonna be free/ and move among the stars/ You know they really aren't so far

Feels so free.../ Gotta know free... Please.../ Don't wake me from the dream/ It's really everything it seemed

I'm so free.../ No black and white in the blue

Everything is clearer now/ Life is just a dream, you know/ that's never ending/I'm ascending

I realize now... that Blue is meant for closure and that much I can't handle or have at the moment. For all that this message turned into, the message that it has, the actual mood and feeling... I'm pretty much tempted to change its title, yet again, to "Words that we couldn't say...".

Rather, words I couldn't say.

From Mars with love,
-Blue Icarus
Dante Sparda posted this at 1:59 PM.

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

 

"I'm Alive...!"

Working Out: Pure Fucking Hell.

Sorry Umininn, didn't mean to curse there. I just had to say it. It wasn't that bad, it was worse. And this will take its toll on me, very soon.

Tomorrow will be the hardest day, strength wise, as I shall have to return upstairs.

Will our young and courageous hero return? Will he drop on his knees and beg for mercy? Will he manage it...?

All of you trust in him, so he will return.

-Metal Icarus
Dante Sparda posted this at 1:34 AM.

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

 

"Two Minutes to Midnight..."

Ah, the flow of time... Time does tick by rather fast. Sometimes it ticks away slowly, draining your energy away from your persona. At times it can be seen flashing through your eyes, while others it goes by ever so slowly. One kinda wonders which is better, but time simply can't be stopped, it is often taken for granted and at the end, you always mourn and regret the passing of it. Wether you're having fun and time passes on rather quickly, or you're bored to death at work and time lags on. It makes no difference, there comes a time when we all regret wasted time.

Today, time passed ever so fast...! I was having the nicest time ever. But no, I had to go to work. Sucks being me. Wait, scratch that, at least I have a job that's paying my bills. I'm lucky I have a job to go to, I just wish that time had not come then. At any rate, it was happy-hyper-go-round (which is quite unusual in me) for a couple of hours at work.

Well, it seems like everyday there's something new at work. Today, when I got there, about 25 consultants were herded towards the PC Training Room for Uptraining on Kami-sama knows what. All I know is that there were about 29 queue calls and only 10 people available taking calls. It didn't matter much to me, though. I was quite happy-hyper and well... I was happy. Not often I feel like that, so I embraced the queue calls and did my job. And you know what? I am good at it.

* * *

So yeah, there were no conspiracy theories or plain old conspiracies at work, but there were a lot of calls. It went by rather fast, though... so it was all good. And here I am... updating and writing my life events. While not all that exciting (that's an understatement), they're here. I am supposed to write a Very Special After School Weekend Update, right? Mmm, dunno. I don't have that much time. Today's D-Day. Mulder should be here any minute waiting to drag my persona towards that gym upstairs... it's all good. I need it.

And as a matter of fact, he's here...

-Metal Icarus

PS. I might be back later.

Dante Sparda posted this at 10:58 PM.

 

"Houston, we've got a problem..."

Hey everyone, Mobius 01 here. So, this is what happened: Many things happened tonight at the apartment, which led me to take over our computer until, say around... well, it was late, suffice to say. And no, for the record, no blame is being laid out. This isn't my computer and I'm grateful to its' rightful owner for letting me use it as much as I do. It is rather late for me to start a new entry, which would be lengthy as hell and as it happens, I am quite tired.

When I got a hold of the computer (once again, no resentment bud, I thank thee from the bottom of my heart), it was late enough already... and I wasn't in the proper mood to write my soul out to you people, much as I wanted to. And besides, I don't think anyone's reading this, anyway. I will do something else, I need to pour down the thoughts from my mind, my hard drive, before I delete the cache'd thoughts and they're lost forever. My mind seems to do that often. i think I shall go to my room and pour my soul on my trusty Felicity Porter tape recorder. Tonight? I don't know. It was an exhausting day, filled with many events and ... well, I'm exhausted. Plus, I took my DVD player out of my room, so I can't listen to my jrock mp3s. Unless...

So, I logged on to msn messenger, in search of... Anyway, I found KingNothing1794, my buddy-in-arms and a great friend. Buddy, I owe you big time. You're almost always there when I need someone to listen. You know whom I saw today? Armando! Yes, he still works at Merkafon and JC is working somewhere else, Armando told me. Though you probably knew that already... And then he got suddenly cut-off, but as he left, some of my friends popped up. Of course, they're the Internationals. Uminnin, if you're reading, it's always cool talking to you, bud! And so it came to pass, that it was even later and no post was written yet... until now.

So there you have it, folks. Another day and no huge entry to end-all-entries. It shall come... when? I don't know. Please bear with me for a while, there are just too many things happening at the moment and it's hard to keep track of everything. But semi-good things will come to those who wait, if anyone is out there...

-Icarus "And I never dreamed that I'd met somebody like you..." Porter

PS. My day, though full of events, was incomplete. If only I had gotten there on time... If only I had talked to...
Dante Sparda posted this at 5:44 AM.

Monday, March 03, 2003

 
too tired... tomorrow, a post-weekend update...

oyasumi nasai, minna-san........

-icarus
Dante Sparda posted this at 6:32 AM.

 

I have really got to stop doing this backwards. Well, this was something I'd written the other night, but never got to a period of completion (mostly because this computer hates me and loves having general failures when I'm about to save my progress), until now. For some reason or another, it was shoved down the drain and almost forgotten... though not quite, as I'm still here in spite of the hour. The long hours are almost over and dawn nighs ever closer.

* * *

Well, I just lost quite a bit. Yes, I had typed up a semi-good post for you people to read, but Explorer fucked it up for me, and of course I was gonna save it but decided on going to the bathroom first. Huge mistake. I realize now that this is not such a great note to begin this, but hey, I just thought you should know why this post has the words "crap" and "rushed over" written all over it.

* * *

"When a few words lift your spirit..."

Ever had one of those days? No, really. One of those awful days when all you ever want to do is to finish whatever is that you're doing and go back home, to your room and to your own bed, to sleep and to not have to think in anything else, for even the mere act of thinking is too damn straining and exhausting. To feel drained and weak to the point of mental stress. I kid you not, just a few days ago, a few months, I felt pretty much like that. Some of my closest friends can attest to that, even.

This was just before I came here. And no, things have not yet changed a single bit, save except for the small little fact that I am. Yes, I am changing, slowly but surely. What? Did you think I was going to fall back and allow myself to be defeated? It could have happened... oh, Kami-sama knows this is possible, but not while so much is at stake. Like I said, the situation hasn't disappeared, rather the curse hasn't been lifted. Yet...

One of the differences is that now I have the option to attack the problem from different angles and try out different combinations or patterns, while having the actual option to go for the root of the problem:

Me.

I now have the chance to change, or even mutate into something I like, or at least bear. While I can not completely rid myself of the things I dislike in my own self, I have the option of re-shaping that which I loathe, and try and fix what is wrong in me, allow myself to work around my weaknessess and improve my strenghts. I will not change in a way that you will think: "Well, fuck me, who is this silly bastard and what has he done with Icarus?" But rather, "Hey, Mobius, you look different. Not bad, just different." And why shouldn't I? I once said that it was awful having to live with someone you hated, and that I went through with that, every single day. I do not hate myself. I just don't get along very well with the one that is me. If that made any sense.

Ah, this is no good. I liked my old entry better... damn you, General Failure.

Now, it has been brought to my attention that these posts or entries are rather large, going on to the verge of humongous. Which usually leads any potential casual readers (if any) and my friends away from here. Granted, these are long. But you have to understand that this isn't what you may call 'ordinary'. If anything, they're the telling of the Tales of Boredom. But hey, they were just like this since the beginning of it all. And even then, I started doing this for myself... Now, should I allow myself to be compromised, just for the sake of a few readers? I did this on my own and for myself, selfish as this may seem or sound to you. I love the fact that some people might read into what I say and think, but...

I guess I see how a list of items could help shorten the span of a post, but if I limit myself to a few topics, would not that strain the illogic train of thought that is me? Should I allow myself to be compromised just for the sake of briefness? I understand and see the flaw in it, make no mistake, but I decline in haiving a part in the "resolution" of said "problem". Why? I do not think I should set a limit to these tales, because this was a free space to begin with. My private little space. No one is forcing you to read this, granted, but if you've come this far, perhaps you'd like to come a bit further...?

* * *

"When a few words lift your spirit..."

PART II

We've had a pretty bad atmosphere at work lately, really tense for the most part. People are getting fired here and there and the number of Consultants is decreasing at a high rate. and the fact that they recently fired one of the supervisors who was 4 months my senior isn't making me any less jumpy. This led the way to a really strange anecdote which at the time I have written in Spanish only. I will work my magic around it and translate it to English soon, so that it can be posted here.

Nothing like getting to work, logging in faster than you can say: "I'm getting less money on my paycheck," and asking one of the fellow comrades about the bad news. And believe me, nowadays they flow like the Nile. After setting up everything so that you're ready to take calls, you check the usual daily dose of online comic strips, I will lead you to my favorites later.

On a strange day like today, I was informed by my former boss (to whom I still serve and are loyal to) informed me that his presence was directly under the line of fire and that he could be fired (literally) in a day or two. Now if my boss was to be fired, there was no telling what they were going to do to me.

Such is the life of an inbound telemarketer as me.

During the off-times, when as a consultant you find yourself in Available Status, without any call and no more online surfing to do for the day, you go to the only other place you can endlessly visit without it becoming too familiar:

Your online Blog.

You stumble in, trying to look for new ways to say the very same things, to edit some random post or thought, all while trying to avoid the next call. Everything seems old and defunct. Pretty much stale and boring... so you start reading on, finding out who you are by looking at the words displayed on a monochromatic screen. Trying desperately to make some sense out of a comment that came out when the writer was too sleepy or too tired to write coherently. Mixed thoughts and feelings travel fast, or so it seems. Everything's old and dusty, pretty much like a visit to your neighboorhood cemetery. The same words, the same feelings... the same old conclusions and answers, or is it?

You read on, only to notice that there are new additions, and these aren't addendums as usual... no, someone's actually left their mark where silence had once reigned. Leaving not just their mark, but their essence in those comforting and soothing words. Excitedly, you read and re-read that person's response, trying desperately to analyze the style of writing or words, fitting them to a person in specific, except no answers ever come. You try hard, but at the end you're pretty much at the beginning, all over again. Except you're not alone, someone's watching, someone's reading. And whoever that is, that person cares enough to convey good advice and feelings unto you.

Excited, surprised, happy and hyper. All at once.

Mesmerized at the words in the screen, our little hero retreats back into the real world, awakened by the sound in his old headset, announcing the call of the next customer. Not a trace of fear, anxiety or frustration can be seen upon his face, but rather a big, warm and genuine smile.

* * *

I've gotta do that little test, you know, the one that they do in that show, Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton... the Bernard Pivot test. But that's rather annoying, so I guess it's out of the question.

Still, there is one part, maybe it is the: "What turns you on?" question that keeps popping into my head tonight and for a very specific reason. And NO this isn't anything sexually oriented, before you start getting that perverted look. Perish and drown the evil thoughts! ^_^

This has to do with the fact that I just did something really nice for someone. I like helping people, in whatever way I can, seeing as it is not often that I can give it and really help them. And then, I wasn't helping just about anyone. And it wasn't such a big help, when I look into it... partly because I don't think I do anything that's remotely important, or that with my help or by doing something I'm doing something really special. I just can't think or cope with the fact (let alone believe) that I am capable of helping or making someone feel better about themselves.

Which is what I did, in a nutshell. I guess... I think... I hope. At least I hope so. And that's really, really nice. That you helped someone you care for deeply to overcome something.

Winning the lottery might be the best feeling on Earth, but it can not, it simply can not match or be compared to how I felt by making that one person happy, if only for a precious instant moment.

-Metal "Any love does not exist between them" Icarus

PS. Whoever you are... Thank You, you made my day.

* * * L o v e l e s s b y L U N A S E A * * *

Romaji	English Translation
Eins zwei drei vier ...	One two three four ...
Rakuen ni kizamareta Ai no uta wa	The poem of love that's engraved in paradise
Kakikesareta Tokai no zattou no naka	Has been scratched out in the city's throng
Sekai kara Ai wa kieyou to shiteru no Toki wa tomaranai	Love is disappearing from the world Time does not stop
...	...
Kimi ga ima Saigo no megami ni mieru Mamoritai	You appear to be the last goddess now I want to protect you
...	...
Kimi yo kimi yo anata yo Ai ni michita hohoemi de Kono sekai wo sukutte	You, you, you With your smile that is filled with love Save the world
...	...
loveless lovemaking	loveless lovemaking
Byouyomi no naka Taisetsuna mono wo Kimi yo hanasanaide...	During countdown The precious thing You, don't let go of...
...	...
loveless lovemaking	loveless lovemaking
Byouyomi no naka Taisetsuna mono wo Futari wa kawaranai...	During countdown The precious thing We will not change...
...	...
loveless lovemaking	loveless lovemaking
Kieteyuku no Kokoro kayowazu Kimi to boku wa Byouyomi no naka	Disappearing Unsympathetic hearts You and I During countdown
...	...
Any love does not exist between them	Any love does not exist between them

Dante Sparda posted this at 5:44 AM.

 

"We've lost time..."

"We've lost what?!" Ah, a good quote from an old show I used to watch. Nothing too important. I guess... I don't know. Not for sure, anyway.

What--? What is it that I don't know? Well, if it was of importance or not... if it was meant to be like that or not. If destiny is preordained or that's just as big a hoax as the one that shouted that the sky was falling. Fate. Destiny. Unmei.

Maybe it just isn't my time. So they say. That's what someone told me, not so long ago. Well, damn it, I have to make it my time. I don't have the slightest idea how that will come to happen, or how I can go about doing that... but I have to make it somehow.

Now I'm just drowning in a glass of water, that was half empy to begin with. But I just can't shake that feeling of inadequacy and I'm wondering what the hell's causing this...?

You know what I hate? Chris Isaak! Damn you CI, damn you to hell. I was late by 15 seconds... fifteen seconds that were all that was needed. But alas, I did not get in there in time and that's what hurts the most, even if it makes my roommate smile.

Yes, yes. Explanations will come. No, of course I don't hate Chris Isaak. I love Wicked Games. That's what this was all about, to begin with...

-Icarus
Dante Sparda posted this at 3:17 AM.