Friday, February 14, 2003

 

Super Mega Post

Genesis of Mind.

A dark room, distant sounds. It's not pitch black as there is some light, but only shadows are dancing on the wall. He is lying down on his bed, listening to forgotten sounds that once reigned over his psyche.

"That's Genesis of Mind, by Luna Sea." Strange voice that comes off as an incoherent whisper.

"I don't even know where the fuck I should start... maybe saying that my bed is comfortable, mostly because of my huge mattress, which was paid by my hard-earned money." A rather dull tone of voice, doesn't even move, just looks towards that new ceiling.

"I already had that, I I already had that over there. Here I am now, facing that strange ceiling. Once again the only two lights coming, one of them is the red light coming from this recorder, the other is the faint and somewhat dim blue-ish light coming out of my tv. I'm using the DVD player to play an mp3 disc, mostly jrock. They're the ones that fit the night the most during the night."

"I'm not depressed, quite the contrary... I just feel lonely. I guess "lonely" is the right word."

"The date is February the 14th, 2003."

"I fucking hate this day."

"I fucking hate this day."

Drone, repetitive voice that seems to be coming from a robot and not a genuine person. One has to wonder how far is our mind an extension of our souls.

Muffled sounds.

"I'm not crying if that's what you're thinking. I've a slight cold." Cleans his nose with a handkerchief.

"See? There." Wipes his noise rather audibly, as if to prove a point.

"Well, it's pretty much the first time I changed the sides on this thing, so... I'm guessing that I need to use you more often," He says, as he looks at the tape recorder.

"Because I haven't even purchased any other tapes."

"I don't even know where the fuck I should start!"

A rather audible sigh.

"This is a strange ceiling." Begins, realizing he is in a whole new environment.

"I'm no longer living under my parents' roof. I no longer have my bedroom. 'Twas a huge bedroom after all. This one is rather small, but I don't know if it will be the one that I shall keep for myself. Or, the one where Mulder will inhabit." Realizing he has said this, he starts laughing. A faint and distant laugh. More like a small chuckle to himself.

"I could start on the fact that I could say who Mulder is, the one that calls me,"

He does the Gollum voice.

"My preciousss! My own, mine, my own..."

"Yeah, whatever... That's Gollum, by the way. That was a bad impression, but then again, I do have a minor cold."

"My trusty San Marcos beadspread, or actually my blanket seems like an extension of my body, of myself. Mostly because I feel like I can't move at all... and it's hanging over my toes and my bed. I've had this very same one all my life, since I was little." A small chuckle ensues again.

"I am little. Just not so young. But it feels like..."

A small pause.

"...a cape. That or I have been reading too much Batman and Spawn comics lately. Which in fact, I think I have. Mostly Mulder's... some of them Alfred's. I don't know. Things have just gotten... weird."

"They've gone from weirder to Bizarre and Bizarre is not just a word you can throw around. Not easily, anyway. But you know? Ever since I got--ever since I moved out and living on my own, I..."

Fuck.

"Fuck! There are just too many things I need to say and get off my chest but, I don't even know where to start and I'm too tired. It's a good thing that I found ya, we can talk again. I guess one of the things I should say before I doze off is, is... I already said I feel lonely. Now what's--the worse part is, I miss Sujei...."

"I'm a fucking loser, I know, I know, I know. But I do miss her. I'm fighting the idea of asking Damian for her phone number. I don't even know if she still has a boyfriend or something. Or if I should, or could go back to seeing her."

"It's just that-it's... 'lighting doesn't strike twice', they say. Although, I do believe Blaze Bailey DID say that 'maybe lightning DOES strike twice'. Aherm.. ahmmmmmm-not sure."

"Quite honestly I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I will. Just to get aquainted an' all."

"Maybe she will talk some sense into me. Like she used to. She was very good at doing that, you know?"

"I miss Crystal."

"God, it's been ages... years."

"I don't miss Nora, though." Another one of those famous giggles.

"Well, mostly because she is married to one of my best friends." A mistake in his statement.

"Well... one of my, what used to be.. who used to be... but not anymore. He's a good friend, he is. He's a good friend and he's a really nice man, I can not--I can no longer refer to him as a guy, because he's a man now. Not just because he's married as much as he has... power. He was always a master, anyway."

"One of my older friends is now here in Monterrey again. He sailed towards Norwegian and nordic lands and now he's back. Strange. I gotta hook up with him sometime, like old times. Meet his wife, his baby. 'Twould be nice."

"I've gotta tell my friends. I need to let them know. But how would they take it?" An on-going sense of pressure and angst.

"I don't care. Not now." A flat-out lie.

"So, no, I don't miss Nora that much. She's a nice woman, but-ah... Well, I don't want to talk bad about her, because I know she doesn't talk bad about me at all and there's really no hard feelings towards her, what-so-ever. I'm just glad something good came out of that. She got married to one of the nicest guys I know. Albeit a bit... uh, I was gonna say absent-minded, but I don't think that counts for him. I dunno, she's a nice woman and she's a nice man, so there. Works out."

"Crystal."

"Crystal was dating Joe. She was in love with Joe when I said-when I confessed my love for her, and she knew. And she said 'I love you,' back, well she... I don't think she was lying--she was desperate. She wanted someone to love her, anyone. And I just happened to be there. When I--when I said 'I love you' and when she said that back, she was in such a strong need for those words. But fuck she was seventeen and I was fifteen. I don't think I need to tell you where that--where that story ended, how that story ended."

A long pause.

"After Criss, there was Emily, tho' Emily was just a harmless, little crush, you know the type: boy-girl-friends-crush. Nothing came out of that. A bestfriend kinda thing. Oh, she's still in Canada, last she told me she was moving to Vancouver."

"So, Crystal was dating Joe afterwards, joe moved to New England--no, FROM New England TO Salt Lake City..." Cleans his nose.

"See, here's the thing: I don't have a cold really, just that my noise is stuffy. Aww, sometimes it's just hard to breathe."

"I don't know, sometimes things just seem so desperate. In finding someone and needing someone."

"I do wish I was back at being Sujei's friend. I don't even know why..."

A long pause.

"Well, she used to give me confidence, for one... far more than Sara ever did. Sara.. Oh! All that Sara ever did was hurt me to this day I still feel... resent. Not hatred, hatred is a big-long-fuckin'-word. Resentment, mostly. No good memories come when I speak of her name, or when I remember her. But sadly she's the one that pops into my mind the most, these days. There are things that I regret having done them with her. And that's possibly what I hate the most, not the fact that I did those things, but the fact that I regret them."

"I don't know."

Sigh.

"Javier did say that it's normal for you to hate your ex-girlfriend. I don't like hating people."

"See? See right there? How I wish my life would be one of those happy, full of memories, full of good feelings... good-natured feelings, joy---hope, full of hope Luna Sea Songs. I love Luna Sea. It's just fucking bad they disbanded, but then again, Ino did go and became Fake?'s guitarist. So... but still, not Luna Sea, it probably, it--it will NEVER be like that, because Fake? is just a bit of what Oblivion Dust was and bit like Luna Sea."

"A-Anyway, I'm--I wish there was some sort of revival or something where LS would get back together, even though like Fake?, I probably won't like it as much as LS, because LS was one of the first bands that I--" A big long yawn interrupted him.

"Sorry, it's three in the morning."

A small pause.

"You know who... you know whom I spoke with the other day? Well, I say I 'spoke with' but actually I just typed."

"I talked to Sandra the other day."

Another uncomfortable silence. Luna Sea filled the room.

"Sorry, sorry. I fell in love with Sandra the first time I saw her. One could say, or rather argue that it was love at first sight... but, well, technically it wasn't. I didn't---fell in love with her, rather interest aroused me. She's just a pretty girl, really, really, real pretty. Just nice natured, good natured. Very kind, warm and gentle person. Kinda wacky, that's probably why i fell in love with her. Not much because of her looks, though she is stunningly beautiful. She prides herself in being a 'geek'. I--maybe that's why I love her." A smile broadened his face.

"Oh, I don't LOVE her. I'm NOT in love with her. How do I know? I know, I know. It's pretty much over, tho' I don't think it ever existed. Well, love did exist BUT actually it was unrequitted love, and... she doesn't love me back. I was hung up on her quite a bit."

"Still... not I'm not worth[y of her]... I'm just not worth her--I mean, I'm not worthy of someone like her. And she's going out with someone else. Or dating someone else, or at least she likes someone else. Sad, isn't it? I worked with her for months. We worked at the same callcenter, it was nice. There are really good memories, mostly because we were never a couple. I never even had the guts of confessing my love for her, face-to-face. I did it, as always, through a love letter."

"I'm good at writing love letters, they always come from the heart. Although they're always my doom, as Roberto once pointed out. He was so right."

"I just... I just--I wish I could say how I feel."

"Instead of writing it. But I guess writing will... at one point or aother, become what I do best. For now though, there are years apart for what I have to do, for what I need to do. But you know? Lately I feel like there's a whole new canvas."

"Someone's just put a fresh, new canvas in front of me. I have to do the best I can with this new chance that I got, that I bought. I bought it with tears, pain and suffering. And I better damn-well not waste it. I will not waste it."

"I'm here because of a series of events, which I will NOT state here."

"But this is fucking February 14th, I bought presents for my family! I don't have a couple, but I have my friends and here in México it's also called the day of Friendship in here."

"So there, Happy Valentine's Day everyone."

"Will you be my valentine?"

---

"I dunno. I guess I inspire pity. I don't want it, but that's the way it goes. There's even this nice girl at work at my queue, the other day, she was really nice to me, thru IMs. You want to talk to me, you pretty much have to IM me at work. I fucking hate being this type of person, you'll probably get a better response if you say 'hi' thru IM than you would if you came up to me and said so. I don't know why I do that. I simply do. I'm that antisocial and weird."

"Maybe I DO inspire pity. And in the moment I did so, she started getting interested in me. I dunno, I guess I'm just too lonely and I'm in the need of a friend, I'm in the need of a cool partner, a couple, of having a soulmate... well, but isn't everyone?"

"I'm not the first person who feels this way and I'm certainly not gonna be the last one. Although by the looks of it, it does feel like this--suffering will be eternal."

"Now it doesn't seem like I am not making much sense... like I said, it's just weird."

"This stupid disc, did bring lots of memories. Mostly memories that I associate with Sara. I fucking hate Sara. Sara, if you're fucking reading this, go fuck yourself." Laughs.

"Nah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. It's just resentment talking. Part of me will always hate you. A part of me will always love the people I've loved. Being... uh, relatives, family, friends of people, girls, women I've loved. But a part of me will probably will hate you the most and that part of me is a bit bigger and the one that's gonna love you throughout my life, so pretty much what I am saying is: It will cancel out most of the negative parts, but still, no good thoughts come but the worst when I think of you. So, you're probably screwed, baby. If you were planning on trying to get back with me, I'm sorry but you're fucked." Insane maniacal laugh would go here.

"Fuck you. So there, I said it."

"Honestly, I do hope you find someone. I'm probably never gonna find anyone."

"Back to Sandra, she was telling me... well, we were talking thru MSN Messenger, like we always do. you know what's the worse part? I don't even have her phone number. I could ask her for it, but it would be awkward for her to give it to me, since she knows how I feel for her. Not right now tho', because I don't think I love her. I do, but this is the part of me that will always love her doing the talking. It becomes apparent because we never had a fight or anything like that, in some respects she always seemed older, wiser... though on the very same level I was. Maybe she's younger than me, but she's more mature. Actually no, I just remembered and she's my age. Funny, because that's what I loved about her. The huge differences in us, and yet how we were so much alike. Why, most of the time I was too nervous biting my fingernails because I was too nervous just being next to her. And my, how I loved sitting next to her."

"In my lunch recess or break I'd always go down to HEB to get her some snickers candy bar or whatever. One time I even bought her lunch, how sad?" A huge laughter explodes.

"Well, it was a cheap lunch, but even so..."

"Even-so..."

"Man, if she'd accepted me, I probably wouldn't even be here" Laughs.

"Honestly! But now, this is a good thing. Maybe here is a good thing - I just have to fine-tune some details, work up stuff, and work a lot of stuff out."

"But you know this a good what I'm doing right now, recounting my thoughts, I count this as something very positive. 'Cause honestly, I needed something, I needed anything to vent out. It's probably not gonna reach anyone... but quite honestly, who'd want to listen to THIS?!"

"Who'd want to read this...?" A long yawn again.

"Sorry, I'm tired."

"Hehe, I think Sandra would be a bit embarrassed if she read all of this."

"You know what I'm gonna do tomorrow? I'm gonna be myself, a good guy and I'm gonna stamp my name on that stupid msn window, like I rarely-rarely-rarely ever do."

"Yeah, she'd be the most embarrassed. Which is not what I want, I wouldn't want her to feel this way, but then again, this *is* how I feel. And it's not like I'm still in love with her."

"It's just weird though, I wish I could go back to being Sujei's friend, even though she hurt me like hell. And that would make me... a masochist? I think I understand Vicious a bit better now. Ma~so~chist? Fuck it, no one's listening my heavy accent.. no one that cares, anyway."

"I hate myself. My accent has gone from bad to worse and so has my grammar." Sings in Japanese to a Luna Sea song.

"As always, this will have to be finished some other time, if I ever do find the time."

"I need to get up early tomorrow and type all of this. It's not interesting, but..."

"Maybe not. It's not... but even so, I want to do it. Regardless. "

"And then, there's that other redhead. Wonder if she still misses me? I miss her, but she must be happy over there in Canada. Hmmmm."

Luna Sea's song "Mother" kicks in.

"Know whom I miss the most? My mother! Yeah, I miss my mom the most."

"I miss her singing, I miss everything about her, the way she was mad at me ,or at my brother or at my sister."

"I wish there had been another way. Another way." Another heavy yawn.

"It's not so bad. Tomorrow I'm going to mom's and I'll stay there after work."

A long pause.

"I'll be with them tomorrow. My dad, my mom, my little sister. My little brother and my little sister. I miss them all the most."

"YES, even more so than all of you girls combined!"

"You know what? I think I feel strangely relieved, even... happy..."

"Crystal and Joe are living together, they were gonna get married... as far as I can remember. And they were very happy, Joe's a good guy, as far as I can remember... once again. They were gonna get married, but I never got an invitation. Even though I did inquire for one," laughs.

"Mind you, I haven't lived at that old address of mine that she used to have for years now. I hope they're very happy living together or married."

"Which is weird because my ex-best-friend Emily who lives in Canada, not to be confused with that cute redhead who now lives in Canada, moved in with his fianceé Joe, much like Crystal has her Joe, not to be confused with that boy whom I'm friends with." Yawn.

"She was very happy." Yawn.

"After that, there was Nora I believe, who is happily married, which is pretty cool. I'm really happy for them, and I say that with earnest honesty. I do love you guys both, I want you to know that I'm happy you guys stood by me in times of need, during your time. And I will never forget you were there."

"Which leads me to Berta, I forgot her phone number... I gotta ask Carlos again."

"When you listen to this, Noé you stupid sucker, go and find the disc and get her number so you can say 'hi'."

"Then, there's Sujei-san. I was the one that started that, then there was Su-chan. Does she remember me at all? Does she even know how strongly I felt for her? Last I heard she was dating that fucker from the arcades. yeah, I know. Well. If she is, I hope they're happy. Well, she's complicated, but then again, I do wish I could go back to being her friend and nothing else. I'm in a time of need, like I said! You DO understand, that, right? She was quite supportive, hence why I missed her and I kinda miss her right now."

Lucky # 10 by Oblivion Dust.

"Yeah, I wish I'd never met you, oh..."

"Ah! Which leads me to Sara. Sara, once again, fuck you. No, I didn't mean that."

"I do hope you find someone that makes you happy... as I did make you happy but you fucked that one up. I do hope you find someone and dump all of that crazy shit you have put on yourself. You'll find someone, not that hard. Yeah, easy for me to say, huh?" chuckles.

"Anyway... I don't know. YEAH. I wish I never met you." Lyrics applied here...

"Anyway, lastly there's Sandra. Last I heard, she was dating this person from work and things were really hitting it off for her, which is great. Sandra, if you're reading this, I love you, but NOT like that. I love you because you're my friend, and that's pretty much it. Yes, I did love you like that, not anymore. I don't want to scare you away. What else? Who else...?"

"Well... there's that other redhead, but there's not much I want to say about her, plus you've already heard that story, mostly inside and out with the nice amount of details that I've kept to myself, as always..."

"Besides, I don't think that one counts. It was more of something starting, something evolving from perfect strangers to friends, to nice friends to best friends, dating, all of a sudden... and then, she was gone. Before the flame started. Just like that." Snaps his fingers, it sounds louder in the dead of the night.

"Then, there's... NO ONE ELSE, it seems. I've summarized my entire love life in what seems to be like half an hour... tho' I will hate typing up all of this. I know I will."

Forever Love by X-Japan kicks in.

"Happy Valentine's Day Everyone: Marcos, Cass, Alfred, Elva, Damian, Jazmín, Joseph, Roberto, Adrian, Adrian, Walter... mmm... Francisco... mm... obviously Carlos, Ricardo, Berta, lots of people... I know Manuel I'm forgetting lots of people, I'm sorry guys-- and my family... my dad, my mom, my little sister, my brother... that's the second time I said 'brother' without saying 'little', please don't feel bad, I love you too, just the same. To the new additions, Mulder, Adan, Yamil... my friends from work. Now, this is starting to sound like an awful radio show... the fuck!? I forgot to mention Javier... JC.. May Kami-sama help me, I'm forgetting people. The internationals!! Pyoung-Poou Sou, Alan, Kazuma, Jun, Jöerg... oh, no... umm.. Hmm... All of You Girls, whom I will never be able to forget, all of you my friends, whom I hope I will -never- forget."

"All of you, count with me for whatever you need. "

"I'll just start slowly all over again. I'll walk and hitch a ride with someone, maybe someone will come with me, along the way and maybe, and that is a huge maybe someone will take my hand..."

Mou, hittori de... arukenai...

"...happy valentine's day..."

-Noé

Forever Love
X-Japan

Mou hittori de arukenai
Toki no kaze ga tsuyosugite
Ah kizu tsuku koto nante
Nareta hazu dakedo ima wa

Ah kono mama dakishimete
Nureta mama no kokoro wo
Kawari tsuzukeru kono toki ni
Kawaranai ai ga aru nara

Will you hold my heart
Namida uketomete
Mou kowaresou na all my heart
Forever love forever dream
Afureru omoi dake ga
Hageshiku setsunaku jikan wo umetsukusu
Oh tell me why

All I see is blue in my heart

Will you stay with me
Kaze ga sugisaru made
Mata afuredasu all my tears

Forever love forever dream
Kono mama soba ni ite
Yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete
Oh stay with me

Ah subete ga owareba ii
Owari no nai kono yoru ni
Ah ushinau mono nante
Nanimo nai anata dake

Forever love forever dream
Kono mama soba ni ite
Yoake ni furueru kokoro wo dakishimete Ah will you stay with me
Kaze ga sugisaru made
Mou dare yori mo soba ni Forever love forever dream
Kore ijou arukenai
Oh tell me why oh tell me true
Oshiete ikiru imi wo Forever love forever dream
Afureru namida no naka
Kagayaku kisetsu ga eien ni kawaru made
Forever love
Dante Sparda posted this at 2:50 PM.